John Q. Phats Entertainment

I am extremely behind on my entertainment quota for the week. I haven’t watched any movies, seen the new episode of Dexter or really watched or worked on much of anything since my last post. I told myself that I would work on something tonight. But as you can tell from searching the archives, that’s usually a bitter lie. I’m working on a couple of scripts right now and both of them are at sort of exciting stages.
When I last left Red Hood, she was in the tail end of a bloody battle. I always wondered what fight scenes in actual movie scripts looked like. Does the writer describe each punch and kick? Or is there just some sort of text alluding to a fight scene? Or is there something that references another document (maybe a video) that describes the fight scene in detail?
The following is a small passage from a fight scene in Kill Bill:

“INT. HOUSEWIFE’S NICE HOME – DAY
The white woman and the black woman FLY into the center of the living room, CRASHING onto her coffe table in front of the sofa.
These two wildcats go at each other savagely, TUMBLING OVER the couch, clawing and scratching all the way, landing together on the plush carpet.
The HOUSEWIFE
KICKS The Bride, sending her CRASHING backwards into the small table where the phone, a note pad (for messages), and the mail is kept.

The Housewife scrambles up on her feet, but is caught by a

FLYING TACKLE from behind by The Bride that sends them both into……..
An ornamental iron and tempered-glass bookcase that has framed family photos, display toys, some African art, and a collection of painted commemorative plates depicting the negro experience in the American military. Starting with a plate featuring Cripis Atkins in the revolutionary war, negro troops in union blue during the civil war, Buffalo soldiers fighting Indians, the Jim Crow troops of the first world war, the colored troops of world war two, Korea, Vietnam, and finally Colin Powell….The Bride and The Housewife CRASH THROUGH all this reducing everything to rubble.”

I have to admit, the detail in this is kind of intimidating. Tarantino spends more time describing the surroundings then the actual fight itself. It’s sort of a mixture of describing it kick for kick but leaving it very open for interpretation. This is probably the best way of doing this. I’m guessing Tarantino did it this way because he wanted to leave certain aspects of the fight scene open to the imagination of those helping out on the project, maybe a fight coordinator or a stunt person or maybe even the actors. Or perhaps he just didn’t really care that much about certain details and wrote whatever the hell he wanted. He talks about kicks, but doesn’t really go in to much detail about it. What type of kick is it? Where on her body does she get kicked? I suppose these details don’t matter. We know the action and what the result is:

 “The HOUSEWIFE
KICKS The Bride, sending her CRASHING backwards into the small table…”

Perhaps that’s all you need. But I guess every writer has to find their own way of doing things. As I stumble through my Red Hood fight scenes, my only hope is that I can write something that others can read and make sense out of.
All this talk of fight scenes has me thinking about where I left Red Hood. I’ll probably finish writing that scene when I get home.

I have a tale to tell and some thoughts on the matter, but I want to make sure everyone is on the same page so I’ll set this up for you.
So we all know, or will now, the widely held belief that a man’s car is innately linked to his penis size. If you see some guy with a retarded flashy sports car, or a giant hummer, or a lifted truck that really has no practical application, etc. we all think “Wow, somebody is compensating a bit much” and as a guy I’m gonna go ahead and say you’re right about that. Occasionally, it’ll be an automotive enthusiast with a pure love for the craftsmanship and ingenuity that went into building the vehicle, but you’re statistically safe in thinking small dick.
While driving home from work today this jerk-off in a VW Rabbit (side bar: how fucking pretentious is that car? “Oh look at me, I’m gonna put a picture of a rabbit on my butt instead of the car name cause I’m too good for labels.” Go fuck yourself!) cuts me off and proceeds to dodge in and out of every lane he can just to gain all of 3 car lengths on me by the end of the freeway. A freeway that I might add was cruising along at 70mph. It’s like the guy thought, “Hey, if I don’t show these people my balls, they’ll assume I don’t have any.” Now, I’d like to propose an inverse to the theory dealing with the driving habits of the owner. When dealing with a small car and an overly aggressive driver, the size of the car is directly linked to the size of the guy’s dick. When I think average size car, I think a Civic. So using that as a base, the smaller a car is than that, the smaller the dude is in his man-jams. So every time you see a small car driving like a madman, just remember that it’s probably just some dude who is mad at Sean for hogging up all the penis quota and leaving them with the short end of the dick.
Seriously guys, unless your wife is in labor and you’re driving her car, or you’re 10 seconds away from shitting yourself cause you couldn’t say ‘no’ to Señor Taco’s colon explosion extravaganza, there really isn’t a need to drive like a petulant child seeking attention.
And just so you know, I drive a VW myself so it isn’t brand hatred that you’ve just read, I just really like to point out and make fun of douche nozzles.

So. I’m gonna be contributing from time to time now to Carl’s site. I’m hoping to make this a weekly thing for now and maybe it’ll become more frequent as I get more time in my schedule.

For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Steven. I’ve been a professional Steven for 29 years now and I’m not planning on retiring from the postition any time soon. I’m going to school to get my BA in Creative Writing, so you can expect a lot of droll uncreative things from me. Shirking the norm, I refuse to sit at Starbucks, or any other coffee shop, and pretend to write a novel. Sitting at home and pretending to write one has worked for the past 16 years since I started writing and who am I to break tradition now?

I suppose you can expect the occational work of short fiction, and maybe with the permission of the parties involved some non-fiction too. Also, as long as Carl allows, I want to start a series I’m calling” Racist Conversations I’ve Had With John.”  I wont say which John, but everyone in our circle already knows exactly who I’m talking about. Hopefully they will entertain you as much as they have entertained us. And to make sure we are all on the same page, neither John nor I are racists, we just like to say shocking things to try to catch the other off guard and more often than not it only serves to make us laugh. Example, on the way to a restaurant a few weeks ago he complained that slurs no longer had the class they used to, “Take dago wop, that had some pizazz to it. It rolls off the tongue and maligns a few ethnicities at once. Efficient, and timeless.” We all laughed and then got drunk and said some more incredibly racist and incredibly hilarious things, but the alcohol induced fugue is keeping them from me at present.

In closing, I’m awesome and you’ll like what I do here. Remember, I’m a professional Steven.

****Disclaimer: Do not attempt to be a Steven under any circumstances as it could become hazardous to your well being and the well being of those around you. The Steven you have just encountered has trained his whole life to engage you in the appropriate manner. Neither Steven nor JQP Entertainment can be held liable in the event that you cause egregious harm to your reputation while trying to replicate the hilarity you have found here.

So, the season finale of True Blood aired on Sunday night. To spice things up on the blog, I figured I would do this article in a question and answer format. It makes me feel like someone regards my opinion as valid and it makes me feel like a big shot. The questioner will be my good friend, James. Enjoy:
James: So, what did you think of the finale of True Blood?
Me: I liked it but it left a lot of open storylines. The series did turn a corner, but they left us hanging on so much. I thought it sort of ended at an awkward moment. Like they planned on having another episode, but just never got around to it.
James: What did you think of the whole Hoytt encounter with his family?
Me: I didn’t think that was a very believable conversation. If my Mother insisted that I marry some twit with a strange obsession of dolls over Deborah Ann Woll I would backhand her in the face. The only redeeming quality of that other chick was that she made really awesome biscuits. I don’t care if that biscuit is a God damned life changing experience and that fireworks shoot out of her ass every time you take a bite. Deborah Ann Woll is God damned Deborah Ann Woll.
James: I think that other girl is cute.
Me: Well, you’re retarded. Most people don’t even remember her name. She’s just “that other girl.”
James: It’s just my opinion.
Me: You’re opinion is wrong.
James: Fine, whatever. So, do you think Sookie and Bill are going to get back together?
Me: I think she’s going to bang that ware wolf dude and then follow the same pattern of making up and breaking up with Bill. I thought that was kind of obvious. Do you even watch the show?
James: Well… I, yes, yes I do. I’m a big fan.
Me: This is what happens, her and Bill break up, then they have bloody hate sex and get back together. True Blood is filled with moments where you’re watching something and thinking “Am I supposed to be turned on by this? I mean, they’re having sex, but he’s twisting her head around and snapping her neck.”
James: O yeah, that shit was hot. Who doesn’t want to have sex while breaking their partner’s neck?
Me: Pretty much everybody.
James: Not vampires…. Or me.
Me: Well, you need to see a psychiatrist.
James: I already do.
Me: You need to see a GOOD psychiatrist.
James: He’s legit.
Me: Did he go to school?
James: Yeah.
Me: Did he graduate?
James: I don’t know.
Me: Might want to look in to that. Let’s move on.
James: O, yeah, sorry. What about Russell Edgington?
Me: Well, I thought that was kind of awesome at first, but then they said he would be there for 100 years. That’s not very long and it just delays dealing with him. Although, if you think about it, he’s probably going to die when they break up that concrete.
James: How do you figure?
Me: Who the hell digs up concrete in the middle of the night? It’ll be the middle of the day when they dig him up, he’ll burn up in a blue flame and die.
James: Good point. What about Jason?
Me: He’s now the leader of the red neck ware wolfs. I’m cool with that.
James: What about Lafayette being a witch?
Me: Lafayette is one of my favorite characters. He’s hilarious and beats people up. I’m glad to see him getting a bigger role in the story. I think Nelsan Ellis is doing an amazing job playing him.
James: I had a dream that I killed you.
Me: God damn it James, this is neither the time nor the place! Back to the show.
James: Well, that’s it.
Me: There’s a ton more stuff to cover, what about Sam shooting his brother?
James: Listen man, I don’t actually watch the show, I read all of this off of IMDB. I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about….. I just want to be famous.
Me: Well, that’s probably not going to happen.
James: Why not?
Me: Because, you interview just about as good as old people fuck. So, in closing, they left a lot of cliff hangers and the only thing that bugs me is the fact that we have to wait till next summer to see True Blood again. Dexter will start up on September 26th.
P.S. James isn’t real.