John Q. Phats Entertainment

So, I’m putting together the credits for Nice Guys Finish Last.  Holy Jesus, there were a lot of people involved in this thing.  The credits are like 45 seconds long.  Normally, my credits are like 10 seconds long, if even that.  I hate to say it, but I may need to cut them out for the festival cut.  I’m not sure if that’s going to be way too long to add to an already pushing it short film.  Getting a 15+ minute long short film in to a festival isn’t going to be easy.  Maybe I’ll send the judges a version without the credits and when I send them my screener, I’ll send them a version with credits.  That’s pretty shady though.  Maybe I just won’t count the credits as part of the film.  Of course, I could be wrong on the time estimation and the short could turn out to be 9 minutes long.  In which case, I wouldn’t mind adding another minute of credits to it.  Or I could be wrong in the opposite direction and it could turn out to be 19 minutes long and I would be screwed.  That actually happened to a guy in my film school.  Our finals were supposed to be around 10 minutes, his was like 22 without credits.  He wrote us an E-Mail 1 night before it was due at like 2AM that said “I’ve cut my short down as much as possible and it’s still 22 minutes long…….Fuck me.”  Film school was awesome, I made some pretty good friends there and produced Say Something while attending.  Which I consider to be a very polished piece.  I think Nice Guys Finish Last may surpass Say Something in the polish and overall wow sector.  Nice Guys Finish Last has some good production value.  We have a lot of different locations and one of them is a restaurant with extras and all.  I’m kind of an idiot to have sat on NGFL for this long.  I could have been submitting it to festivals months ago.  Apparently, that’s what I do now, I shoot short films and just forget about them.  That’s how I role.
You know, I seem to jump back and forth when it comes to genre.  After I shot Red Hood (horror), I shot Say Something (Romantic Comedy).  Then I went back to Red Hood again and now I’m doing Nice Guys Finish Last, which is a comedy, but I would not in a million years call it romantic.  It’s actually kind of the opposite of romantic.  You know what I’m missing?  Some raunchy comedy.  I haven’t done raunchy in awhile, it might be a bit of an overload.  The last time I did raunchy, was The Train Wreck, which was quite awhile ago.  That might be dangerous actually, it’s probably pretty backed up.  It would all come gushing out in a display of hysterical horribleness.

So, I saw the new Transformers movie last night.  It was ok.  Nothing life changing, but I was entertained.  I went in wanting to see big robots beating the crap out of each other, Megan Fox in sexy posses, and some good special effects and that’s what I got.  I’m happy.  The special effects in that movie were insanely awesome, as expected.  Good special effects, robots beating each other up, Megan Fox, it worked.  I hate when people see a movie like Transformers and review it badly because there were parts that weren’t realistic.  Look, you’re going to see a movie about robots kicking the crap out of each other, maybe, just maybe, ALL the rules of reality, don’t apply here.  I’m just saying, pointing out tiny little flaws in realism is kind of pointless when you’re watching a movie about robots that fight each other.  To me, it’s the same as pointing out realism flaws in a Road Runner and Coyote cartoon.  However, I’ll give you a realism flaw.  Any guy, before going off to college, leaving Megan Fox behind would have banged her like a drum if she were their girlfriend.  LaBeouf just makes out with her in front of his parents.  Kind of kinky, but not at all what would have happened.  Anyway, I liked Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  Here’s a little useless movie knowledge.  Sometime in the middle of shooting, Shia LaBeouf was in a car accident and injured his hand.  They wrote the bandage that he had to have wrapped around his hand in to the script so that it was explained for the rest of the movie. 
Before the movie they showed this commercial thing with Michael Bay in it where he says “I consider myself an old time film maker.”  I’m sorry, what?  There were scenes in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen where one frame of special effects took 5 days to render.  Sorry Michael Bay, But I’m going to have to disagree with you on that one.  Everyone knows that a Michael Bay film is going to be packed with special effects, that’s partially why I go to see it.  I know I’m going to get a solid action film with lots of explosions.  Directing actors wise, I think Michael Bay is actually pretty good.  He gets good performances. In fact would call him a good director.  I haven’t seen a movie of his yet that hasn’t been somewhat entertaining. 
All of that aside, the new project is starting to move.  I can’t really discuss what it is exactly, but I’m going to sit down tonight and jot down some ideas.  I decided to let someone produce this one.  I’ve never really worked with a producer before, so we’ll see how this goes.  I’m kind of a control freak, but I think I can make it work.  For this project, everyone needs to focus on what they do.  The actors need to act, the director (me) needs to direct, the producer needs to produce, and the cinematographer needs to…..cinematog?  Everyone needs to focus on what their job is.  I can’t produce this myself and I can’t have actors running around worrying about camera angles and what not.  This is a big project and everyone will need to be razor sharp.

So, there’s a lot to talk about today.  First off, I’ve finally transfered all of the footage for Nice Guys Finish Last this morning.  I’ve just been lagging on it, mainly because the pile of tapes I had to tranfer was freaking huge and intimidating.  Check it out:

Next to my Dexter Bobble head.  I didn’t realize it, but Nice Guys Finish Last took 17 tapes.  I’m working on something big right now and I can’t really devote any time to editing, so Gabe is going to pick this project up again.  It should be a fairly fast editing job.  It’s pretty straight forward.  I totally forgot how funny the script for this film was.  I was looking at some of the footage and it’s pretty damn funny.  At one point Chris says that the movie Wild Things sucked.  Which I felt bad about at first, but really it’s not me saying it sucked, it’s the characters.  I don’t think that movie sucked, it’s just a funny subject to me.  They released that movie on BluRay.  I don’t know if that was really necessary, but I bet they sold a couple million copies.  I know at least 20 people that would pay $25 to see Denise Richards and Neve Campbell get it on in true high def.  There is a ton of totally unnecessary nudity in that movie.  Some of that nudity includes a full frontal on Kevin Bacon.  Totally unnecessary for Bacon to be nude for that scene and completely unexpected.  It’s just like, BLAM, Bacon dick, full serving, right there.
 
How many times, has Kevin Bacon shown his dick on film?  I remember in Hollow Man, we got a thermal read out on it in a couple of scenes.  Weird thing to me, is that Kevin Bacon was a producer on Wild Things.  So, I would think that he would have a big saying in weather his wang was shown on film or not.  Makes me think that it was his idea.
Kevin Bacon: You know what I think this scene needs?  Bacon dick.  That’s right.  USDA, choice, tender, and delicious Bacon Dick. 
Director (John McNaughton): ……I don’t think that’s really necessary.
Kevin Bacon (serious): Bacon dick is ALWAYS necessary.
Director: ……Yeah…….  No.
Kevin Bacon: Welp, I am producing this movie so, I’ll just cut your payment in half then.
Director: ………..Camera, go ahead and get a close up on Kevin Bacon’s dick then we’ll do some wide shots and a slow motion capture.  Can we get some lighting over here please!  I’m getting a weird shadow on his left nut!
Kevin Bacon (smiling and nodding): Oh yeah.
That’s how I imagine it went down.  It’s too bad that the things that go on in my head aren’t nearly as awesome in reality. If I were Kevin Bacon, that’s how I would be.  I would use this pick up line everyday of my life
“What up ladies?!  I got two of your favorite foods in my pants!  I got Bacon and I got….Well, you know what I’m talking about.”
Maybe
“You want a little BACON with that shake?!”
I’m going to stop to be polite to you.  Anyway, I don’t think Wild Things is a bad movie.
Bacon dick aside, Censored was accepted to play in the Action on Film Festival.  They haven’t nailed down the date of when it will be playing, but you can buy tickets here:
Buy Tickets to the Action on Film Festival
Just follow the links, you’ll figure it out eventually.  If you look on that list, you’ll see Censored listed there.  There are a ton of films and it looks like it’s going to be a lot of fun.  I’m still waiting to hear back from four other festivals.  I’m pretty excited.  Anyway, I’m off for now.  I’ll keep you guys updated.

I entered Censored in to a film festival that makes it IMDB appropriate.  I didn’t realize that I didn’t have to actually be accepted in to the festival, I just had to submit my short film.  So, I get the E-Mail that tells me I can fill out the form to create an IMDB page.  I go to IMDB and start the process of filling this thing out.  It was the most unnecessarily complicated thing in the history of unnecessarily complicated things I’ve ever seen.  First off, every section (even the title) has it’s own guidelines page that’s roughly a page long.  Really IMDB?  Seriously?  We need an entire page explaining how to type in the title?  Are they explaining this from the point of your computer being off or what?
“OK, there should be a big power button on your computer, push it and wait for your computer to load.  Once it’s loaded, open up Internet Explorer, or Firefox, perhaps Opera, any Internet browser will do.  If you’re accessing this site on a cell phone, there may not be a big power button on the front of it.  That’s ok, just load up the browser.”
That’s what I pictured when I first saw it.  I found it hilarious, because if you were reading that, clearly your computer was already on and the browser was already open.  You see what I did there?  Jesus, I’m such a clever bastard.  Anyway, it’s actually rules and regulations behind each section.  It’s somewhat mind numbing.  By the end of it your like
“What the fuck?!  Am I disarming a nuke?!  I just wanted to type in the title!”
It makes you question everything about what you are doing.
“Did I type in the title correctly?  Does it meet all the guidelines?  It looks good.  Can I move on?  Is everything ok?  Where am I?!  What the fuck is going on?!  Who am I?!”
It makes you kind of afraid of the next section.  And when you get something wrong it like highlights it in red.  Which is just as effective as having a person stand there yelling
“You got that wrong you stupid asshole!”
So, after you fill everything out, it gets sent to a representative at IMDB to check over.  So I’ll probably get an E-Mail in 2 weeks regarding all the crap I filled out wrong. 
Currently, I’m waiting for responses from The Action On Film International Film Festival and Woodstock Film Festival.

Gabe was able to work on Stuck a little bit and make it better.  I’m starting to get the ball rolling on Nice Guys Finish Last.  I’m going to try and get together with Chris and Caine sometime this week to film something for you guys.  But no more of this split screen shit.  Seriously, I’m tired of editing like that, I’m also tired of Chris moving the God damned beer right before the last freaking shot.
Gabe says that my audio sounds like a porno.  I’m glad he sees the direction I’m going with this.  When it comes to audio, I have absolutely no clue what the hell I’m doing.  I put the thingy on the end of the thingy, plug it in to the thingy, and then hang the thingy over the scene and pray that it works.  The main problem is, is that I’m picking up more then the audio from the actor or actors on screen.  I’m getting a lot of background noise.  I think I record with the levels to high. 
“Yeah, fuck it, red bars means it’s working……Right?”
Anyway, it needs some work.  I’ll probably film some tests this weekend.

So, we are reshooting the split screen stuff that I screwed in the face.  In order for this method to work, everything has to stay the same.  The props can’t move and the camera can’t move.  So, we are getting ready for the LAST shot and Chris casually sits down, grabs the beer on the table that he’s not supposed to move and just sort of holds it just for the hell of it.  I see what he’s doing and yell “Chis!  You’re not supposed to move that beer!”  He realizes what he’s done, looks at it, and then quickly puts it back.  Only at that point it was too late. 
Caine went in to denial:
“No!  That won’t matter!  It’s fine!”
Chris tried to fix it:
“We can look at the old footage and line it up!  It’s fine!”
I just put my face in to my hands and said the one thing that is appropriate for every screw up on the planet:
“Fuck!  God damn it Chris!”
Then they all accepted it. 
Caine said:
“No…..we…….can………Shit.”
Chris Said:
“I swear to God we can fix it!  We just have to line it up!  We can………..Shit.”
Then I said:
“…….Alright, lets do the first scene…….  Again……..  Thanks to Chris!”
All in all though it actually worked to our advantage.  I had gone through the adjustments and everything by that point and everyone knew what they were supposed to do.  So we pretty much shot the entire thing all over again in roughly 30 minutes.  Pretty much every shot was done in one take.  Plus now I have something to hold over Chris’s head for the rest of his God damned life.  Even though, I think the takes after the fuck up were better then the other ones, it’s still something I can get on his case about.

So, Nice Guys Finish Last is almost done, however, there are some scheduling conflicts for the shoot this weekend.  If I don’t shoot this weekend, I’m going to have to wait another week after that which will suck.  This sucks.  I can see the finish line.  Seriously, we have like 4 scenes left.  This is sort of as if you were running a 17 mile marathon and with the finish line in sight someone stopped you and told you, you have to deal with some BS paperwork before you can proceed. 
I’m going to try something new here.  I’m actually going to blog to God to see if I can get a little help here.  Here goes:
Dear God,
I’m very grateful for what you’ve given and provided for me.  I have to extend a special thanks for the creation of breasts.  I don’t think you’ll ever know how much I truly love them.  Every pair is different and I’ve gotten so much enjoyment out of them.  Thanks again.  While you were more then gracious in the creation of breasts, I need a favor.  I need you to kill the people that are preventing my actress from shooting on Sunday.  I mean, this is an overpopulated world anyway.  Thank you in advance, God. 
P.S. No rush, but if you could get this done by Wednesday, so I would have time to schedule everything, I would really appreciate it.  Thanks.

Right now, it’s kind of a strange eerie calm before the storm that’s about to occur on Friday and Saturday.  I’m going to be running around trying to finish up shooting Nice Guys Finish Last this weekend.  I gave Gabe the footage that I had so far.  It’s weird to let this go like this.  I’ve never had someone else totally edit a short film of mine before.  I think it’s for the best though.
So, I found out that the reason we can’t shoot on Sunday is because the main actress is trying out for American Idol.  Why does American Idol hate independent film makers?  What the hell is their problem?  It really makes me glad that I blogged to God Tuesday to kill the people responsible for tieing my actress up on Sunday.  No offense if you like that show, but that show blows so freaking much.  I tried to watch American Idol a couple times to see what all of the fuss was about.  I would rather punch myself in the face then watch a season finale of that show.  I know true fans of the show who Tivo it and just fast forward through all the crap, just to get to know who won.  I do give them credit for being able to stretch out a 20 second long punch line for 2 mind numbing hours though.  That’s kind of impressive.  Hey, if you like American Idol, that’s cool, but I just don’t get it.  I know, you would expect me to mention Ryan Seacrest at some point in an American Idol rant, but I hear that guy gets more tang then the astronauts.  I would probably douche myself up too, if it got me that much trim.   
Moving along, I figured something out and I can make the scheduling work.  I guess if it were a fight between me and American Idol, American Idol would have won this round and it will probably win the war.  American Idol will probably be around for another 30 years or so.  Whereas, I plan to get famous next year and go out in a glorious blaze of cocaine, brandy, and hookers.

P.S. I was having way to much fun with the tags on this one.

It’s hard to believe this, but every time I do a short film I seem to have some sort of breakthrough revelation in terms of film making.  On Saturday we shot some more of Nice Guys Finish Last and I got my best take out of Caine when I just told him to do whatever he wanted.  I gave him some adjustments here and there along the way, but we didn’t get anything truly amazing until I gave him that freedom.  Caine is a funny guy, it’s one of his talents.  I should just let him be funny.  I told him at one point
“You’re a funny guy, go with it.”
To me, this is a breakthrough.  My favorite part about film making is working with actors, so this is a really exciting to learn for me.  Actors are fascinating people.  Acting is something that looks easy, but isn’t.  As an independent film maker, you often pull people from your group of friends when you need actors.  Most of them say the same exact thing too:
“I can act.”
They really do think they can to, it’s kind of adorable in an ignorant sort of way.  Then the camera gets on them, you yell action and they go blank.  Either that or they fumble over their lines, look at the camera, and giggle like crazy.  News flash, acting is really hard.  You think you can act?  Get about 6-7 of your friends, have them all stare at you, then, what you do, is cry.  Don’t laugh, don’t say anything to them, just cry.  Serious actors can do that.  I can’t do it.  I could with some practice, but I belong behind the camera, not in front of it.  Whenever I attempt to act, I just giggle like a stoned school girl.  If I were playing a stoned school girl, I could probably pull it off quite nicely. 
So, my breakthrough revelation this time is that I need to start a new career as an actor who plays stoned school girls.  Just kidding, really it’s that sometimes, all an actor or actress needs to act is freedom to do it.
The shoot went great on Saturday.  I transferred it all on to my computer today.  That’s always a fun process by the way.  It’s kind of exciting to watch all of your footage from a shoot while transferring it.  It’s kind of the moment of truth.  Sometimes, you see something that you didn’t pick up while shooting.  Like an obvious boom mic or the reflection of my stupid ass in a mirror or window standing there with headphones on, next to a camera man.  Stuff like that.  When something like that happens, you need to do pick up shots or fix it in post.  I fucking hate pick up shots.  They are such a pain in the ass.  I try to avoid them at all costs.  Maybe that’s why I always have so many takes of each scene.  Because, I want to make sure that I get everything right.  I think I hate pick up shots so much because on the last shot, when I say “That was the last shot, we’re done!”  Everyone cheers and it’s just an awesome feeling of accomplishment.  Everyone is all happy and anxious to see the first cut.  It’s almost like a graduation party for like an hour because everyone just sort of hangs out and congratulates everyone else.  When you have to do pick up shots, all of that is taken away.  And when you finish your last pick up shot, you don’t get the same response at all.  It’s more like “awesome, lets get the fuck out of here.”  A pick up shot is kind of like if tomorrow, you got a letter in the mail saying that you actually failed PE in high school, so now you have to go back in order for any of your college degrees to be valid.  O, and they’ve notified your boss of this so your job will be docking your pay until you finish the class.
Imagine what that would feel like.  That’s what I feel like whenever I have to do pick up shots.

So, I’ve always had a difficult time getting music for short films.  Red Hood is no different.  I feel like all I’m missing is a music composer.  I know that’s a tall order, but whatever.  Music is a total mystery to me still, but I think I’m starting to come around.  After spending a couple days listening to soundtracks I’m starting to get a grasp for what I like.  I think I know a guy that knows a guy that does music.  That’s the way this sort of works though.  It’s cool to meet people like that.  I think I want to get involved in an acting class or something to meet some more actors.  Plus as a director I think it would give me a lot of insight on how actors work.
Gabe showed me some of the footage that he’s working on.  It’s insanely awesome looking.